I'm CRAZY about cinnamon rolls. Since they're not easily found here in Brazil because they're not very well-known, I decided to try to bake them. I'd never made dough from scratch and it takes a lot of strength to mix up all the ingredients. As I'm home, sick with the flu or something equally bad and I had nothing to do, I baked this whole afternoon. I'm a rookie! It takes me a LONG time to cook those more elaborated recipes!
I changed the layout because I was sick of the other one and because I like this polka-dotted one better. I also changed the commenting system: now there's this letters checking. Because this way I avoid spammers. I've been getting dozens of comments from some japaneses website saying things that I obviously don't understand. I used Google translator to check what the hell the japs want from me and, apparently, it has something to do with sex and nudity. Sassy, huh? Almost nobody reads this blog and I can't blame them at all: I hardly ever update it. I was planning to update it everytime I update my blog in Portuguese, writing in English the same text. I know that's a pretty lazy solution for the lazyness I already have in writing here, but come on, it'd be a solution after all!
I vividly remember. Me and my aunt, a huge Michael Jackson fan, in her living room listening to some of his albums. "I just can't stop loving you" was playing and we were singing it LOUD. I mean, really loud. I had the lyrics in my hands, since I wasn't fluent in English yet. Actually, in those times I had no idea I'd become an English teacher one day, but this is another subject. My aunt knew all the lyrics by heart, she had all his albums, she was really crazy about every little thing he 'd made. She used to be such a cool person, I don't know why years came by and she became so boring. Again, another subject. So, there we were, singing out loud. And I started crying. Because I was madly in love with a boy and he didn't even know about it. I think he suspected, everybody suspected. He is my aunt's cousin, but me and her are not blood related, so he isn't either. Anyway, my family and her family are very close and it was like he was family too. Inside my crazy teenage mind, he should never know because "our" love was forbidden, we were like family. Oh my God, how silly was I? My aunt knew about my secret love and hugged me - she understood why I was crying. And we kept singing along together.
I also remember when he launched "Black and White". I was in a friend's house, it was a nice evening and we were all utterly impressed by all that technology of turning people's faces into other people's faces. It was SO wow... I remember when "Thriller" was launched, I was a little child and felt terrified by all those monsters. I sang along with him in some language I believed it was English when he sang "Beat it". I was very impressed by all the break dance, his moves were so amazing. When "We are the World" was all and about in all the radio stations I used to ask the school's bus driver to turn up the volume because I loved that song. I love it 'til nowadays, actually. When I found out that Billie Jean was not his lover, she was just a girl saying that he was the father of her child, I was apalled. I had always thought she was his lover!
I still can't believe we are in a world where there is no Micahel Jackson anymore. I'm not a person who cultivates idols and I can't say I'm a fan of anyone or anything, but I do have some artists that I deeply admire. Madonna, Muse, Michael. He's part of my childhood memories. He was one of the artists who "taught" me how to speak English. I love many of his songs and I think he was genius. And just like all the geniuses, he was tormented and lonely. And I won't even start with all that pedophilia accusations he got years ago. I think he died alone. The King of Pop died completely and deeply alone. The greates entertainer the world had ever had so far, a man who influenced all the coming generations, completely alone.
How sad is that?
May he truly rest in peace and his kids can grow without all the media lurking them around.
Yes, I'm still alive. I know it's been a long time and I feel a bit guilty for not writing here - I had promised myself I'd practice my writing. But if there's something to be blamed for my radio silence it'd be TIME. Or lack of it, to be more specific. I have more students now and one of them has classes late in the evening. 9 to 10:30 pm, twice a week. Needless to say I get home worn out. One evening I have dance class, an weekly appointment to which I haven't been very present either. I get tiiiiired, the class finishes late and I have to take a bus to come back home. Sometimes I beg for a ride and some good soul gives me one, but this is not always. Then you could say: what about weekends? Weekends, my dear, are for love. They are entirely dedicated to kissing, cuddling, holding hands, giggling, going out together, laughing, talking and laughing more, watching "Friends", etc etc - I really don't have to specify what the "etcs" are. My boyfriend lives in Rio de Janeiro and I live in São Paulo, which means a lot of travelling on the weekends. Either he comes to my house or I go to his house and then there's always a party to go, some dinner with friends, family to pay some visits to. And that's why I've been very busy. I've been very very happy too and I think this is very important to be pointed out here since you, my probably only two readers, remember the hell I went through last year. I deserved a beautiful love story. Seriously, the Universe owed me that. I know, I had the boy I was going out with, but it wasn't a love story. It was a story, just that. A story that helped me to keep away from madness, a story that certainly provided me happy moments, but that was all.
I've been working hard, I still have financial problems due to the crisis that my life was in last year, but things have been going back on track. And I'll try to write here at least once a month!
Mac MacGuff: Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.
Juno MacGuff: Yeah. And I think I've found that person.
It was so so awesome that I had to post here the video 'cause I'm still speechless and can't describe it. Kidding, I'm almost never speechless but I really think a video is worth a thousand words. I'm the one on the right, front row, yellow dress. Unfortunately, it is not possible to spot my boy 'cause he wasn't on the front row and he's not tall at all to be easily spotted, hehe.
Then, even though I like him, I had to let him go. I have to, since, apparently, we haven't actually let each other go. We talk. And talk again. And we both agree that it's not the time for turning our relationship into something official. And we both agree we're TOO different and that would get on our way in the future. But we can't stop talking. My heart still beats faster every time I see him. And I still look silly whenever he's around me. And he still acts silly when I'm around. It's pathetic, mainly because we both pretend we're cool. Exactly because we both agreed we should refrain things for a bit. In the normal people world, refraining wouldn't mean to speak every day nor act the way we act with each other. Refraining would be the opposite of that, actually.
I told him today that I don't understand what's going on with me. If he were any other guy I'd already had broken up - for good. I wouldn't still laugh whenever he makes jokes after I say something serious because that gets on my nerves - but still, I end up being like the most patient and comprehensive woman on Earth. Why? Not sure even if a psychologist would explain that. And it's not love (musical pause 1: The Smiths singing "if it's not love, then it's the bomb, the bomb, the bomb, that will keep us together"). No, no, no (musical pause 2: Amy Winehouse singing loudly her "NO, NO, NO" on Rehab). It's not because I know what is love (musical pause 3: Haddaway (you can laugh, I'm laughing) singing "What is love, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more"). Yes, I know. And this definitely isn't. But I can't say I haven't fallen for him. Or am falling.
So I had to let him go and I have to let him go but it just doesn't feel right. I mean, the right thing is to finish this story. This is being SENSIBLE. Where would this thing go? Where this would lead us? He doesn't want anything serious now. I want. Or at least I want to feel that there's some kind of future. A proper relationship with trips on the weekends, me at his place, him at my place, a looo-oooo-oooot of sex, companionship, meeting friends, etc etc etc. Things that we may even have now, but it's not enough. For instance, he knows my mother, but not officially. I know his mother and she doesn't like me at all. In a proper relationship in Camiland that'd be unacceptable. Because in Camiland parents try to be nice to girlfriends/boyfriends because they want their sons/daughters to be happy. My mother thinks my "relationship" is a joke and his mother thinks I'm going to corrupt her "baby" son or something like that.
Couldn't things be simpler? Couldn't things be MY WAY? My way he'd be older and not panic with the word "relationship". My way, my way...
It's been a long time since my last post, I know. A lo-ooo-oooo-ooot of things happened in this meantime but I think the most important one is:
I survived.
For me, this second semester is definitely NOT 2008 anymore. It's 2008 part II. 2008 b. I forbade destiny, fate, God, the Force - whoever or whatever that keeps the Earth spinning and things happening - to make anything else bizarre to happen in my life for the next 3 years. I'm serious. You'll say blablabla we can't control this kind of thing blablabla - and I know it. But it's worth trying, right? Trying an agreement with these "powers" above and show that all that I went through this year was ALREADY enough. I have suffering material for years so I REALLY wish I could have a happy 2008b and 2009.
Thanks.
Actually I'm having a good 2008b. Somehow I could overcome at least part of all that fatherhood drama. I obviously have inner things to solve and it's expected that I have them - finding out about the father 29 years after being born is not something easy - and that would easily be two years in psycotherapy. The whole story is way too bizarre to be posted, but after I found out who my father was I found out he's already dead. More some years in psycotherapy. Then I was robbed and after I lost my job. Psycotherapy forever.
But as I said in the last paragraph, somehow I found a way to overcome at least a little bit of all these things. And I have new students, I teach in a new company, I'm happy with my new life. And to celebrate this new life and start my 2008b truly happy I chose Muse concert as my New Year's Eve and starting point for a whole NEW ERA. It was certainly the right choice. It was a very very emotional concert for me, I let myself get carried away and cried a lot during the presentation but who cares, it was my moment. The friend who was with me, certainly one of the best friends a person could have in the Universe, understood how I was feeling and held my hand in some songs (Feeling Good, certainly the song that made me cry A LOT) and jumped with me in other songs (Time is running out - our favorite!!!).
After my special New Year's celebration, that I totally deserved, I've been just trying to live one day after the other. Only that. No big plans, no worries about career, no big concerns. I'm just happy about not freaking out, about still being sane without taking any medicine, about my friends, about my no-strings-attached-yet-we're-together relationship ('im even ok with the fact that I know it won't last much but I really won't talk about this now), about my dance classes. I'm having a salsa presentation in december with my colleagues from the dance course and I'm very excited about it! I'll be on stage, I'll be dancing one of my favorite styles, I'll be surrounded by people who I like. It may sound cheesy, but these are the things that truly make me happy. Besides, a friend of mine said he's going to watch the presentation holding a big banner saying "I love Mexerica" - could he be any cuter? (Mexerica means tangerine and this is one of my nicknames. I'll tell why in another opportunity)
Needless to say I matured 5 years in 3 months. Also needless to point out that it is true that after the "storm" you look back and see how much you've learned with all the shit that happened. Duh. This is very obvious and I hate when people keep repeating all that Pollyanna crap. What I can truly say about all this is that I found out that I'm MUCH stronger than I thought I was. Sometimes I actually feel that I became a little bit insensitive - but again, I'll tell why in another opportunity. Another thing I can truly say is that my friends are the best. I wouldn't have survived without them.
Guess I can say that 2008b has been a great great year so far.
Me and my friend ecstatic, tired and very smiley after Muse played "Time is Running Out"!
ps: I don't know if my danish friends still read this, but guys, if you do I have to tell you: I miss you like hell!!!!! Come back to Brasil!
Then my life's messier than ever. And after three months of feeling that I'm sitting on Devil's lap, my concept of what is grieving has drastically changed. I used to be a drama queen trainee in Drama Queen Inc., now I just feel like saying to my life: "bring it on, baby!" when other sad/disastrous events come up.
